Recently I have been thinking of ways I could use my pain to benefit me. I always feel I am under attack when I attempt to explain this self-made conspiracy against myself. I woke up in the middle of the night and began thinking of my own disappointments. When I am burdened with regret I begin the decent down into my own hell. I begin sinking into an abyss of melancholy where no one can save me. I want to avoid disappearing into my own thoughts but, I never miss the mark of following what my heart desires. My heart was conditioned to break and as if my heart was designed for pain each vessel structured into ready and willing chambers that called for the eternal colony of tears and fears.
For years my bliss involved me telling myself I wasn’t pretty or smart enough to reach all that I had hoped. As if I am in an elevator I visit the different areas of my life where I experienced much pain. I stop at the day I lost my son, on my birthday, and on the same day I lost my faith in friendships. Not one of my friends came to see me that day nor did I get any phone calls. At that point I’ve reached unforgiveness and I can only go deeper into the depths of my sadness. I began to think my loss of trust in others was inevitable and as a result I started to not care to build friendships nor have the decency to maintain them. I always thought, what was the point in maintaining relationships because people are always more than willing to give an excuse to not act in love towards their fellow-man?
Thinking this way became my norm. I couldn’t trust others and I always gave a reason for others not to trust me. I was quiet and my silence began to suffocate me with a mass of lies. The further down I go I start to believe that life is fleeting and I was blessed with a life of everlasting pain, I felt. Lying in bed around 2 am I burst into tears thinking that I would have to learn how to appreciate the life God had given me. I always believed that I had to accept that failure was my fate because I struggled with believing in myself. As a last-ditch effort I normally start to reach out to people I believe I can trust somewhat but, in the back of my mind trust would never come. At the lowest stage of my broken heart I start to feel like I am drowning and those I call out to ignore my cries for help. Perception keeps me in a pit and every time I attempt to rise from the ashes I get pulled back under as if I have no right to see life with brand new eyes.
For two weeks I have not posted anything. I have been acting as if my entire world was broken and I have to admit I felt lost. When I began this blog my intent was to find happiness. Well, happiness is one of the few emotions we get to experience in this life. Searching for happiness is like trying to find a single grain of sand, it will never be found because it is already programmed within our DNA to experience various ranges of emotion. So then, what can be done to expunge inner turmoil? The storm passing through our hearts requests for us to act according to the tune presented. Our senses are triggered by frequencies. We fulfill the emotional requirement through our thoughts and actions and like the pied piper, if we are not careful we could follow the chords blindly.
I know I have grown accustomed to embracing every emotional spectrum and in each emotion that I get to experience I realize that I lack appreciation. When something doesn’t feel good we want it to banish into the sea of forgetfulness. Like a child, I wage war against God and something that I feel I am unable to endure. Like most, happiness is the only emotion I felt was worth appreciating. After I finished crying I lie in bed thinking what I was going to do next. Do I give up on everything that I hoped for or find ways to bury the pain and rise above it all? I woke up feeling spiritually certain that I am going to start to appreciate the ripples that don’t feel so good. The grace I can take with me from pain is this: At least I am able to feel and live to tell the tale afterwards. I will condition my beliefs so that I can be grateful for everything that comes my way. The beauty in spiritual growth comes when you are able to look at the situations we must face in life and see them as something outstanding. If it hurts and I am alive then there is something remarkable I must examine when hard times arrive. I must go through hard times knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
In conclusion, we are shown different perspectives and there outcomes. Emotion is a gift and we should find ways to appreciate all we are able to experience in this life. I believe it is important for us to navigate situations that test the ego. I know that I will break again but, I will also consider ways to allow what hurts to benefit me. A perspective is an idea and I can defeat the cycle of problem, reaction, solution within my heart. I no longer want to be a slave to the things I cannot see. Our emotions have the power to take control of every thought and remember thoughts lead to action. Before you act, consider examining how you feel first. Thank you for visiting my site today. Like this post and comment below. Also, follow by blog and follow me on the links below.
With Appreciation, Miya
The Happy Nappy Project 
Dear miya, I feel you. The way of, so to say thinking yourself down, is something I am also quite used to. And to be honest it is pretty much the most painful thing to do. But you are a very self reflected person that has a great feeling for words – don’t abandon you talent. Maybe one of the keys lies in art and in creating something that is meaningful to you. I wish you the best of luck for you way!
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Thank you very much, I do fall short a lot. I doubt myself because I see where my life is and compare where I want it to be.
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