The Dark Knight of the Soul
The first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning was how angry I was yesterday. I “let the sun go down on my wrath” after years of practice. The events that transpired came from the shame and hatred I’ve felt towards myself when I disappointed the people I cared about. Shame manifested in unique ways through my experiences in the real world. I still look in the mirror sometimes to confirm what I’ve heard from many strangers, family members, and people that I thought were friends, “You’re Ugly”, “I didn’t notice your face without makeup” or, “Is that a man?”, ‘Why do you have that gap?”,”I thought you were your sister’s mom”, “they don’t do favors for people that look like us”, a former co-worker had said to me while waiting to order food in our cafeteria. Their words joined forces and created a monstrous echo that tells me I am not worthy or good enough. When I attempt to step outside my comfort zone, a place where the noise phases out and peace prevails, those voices speak louder than my sanity can handle. Normally my first thoughts are to run by indulging in irresponsible behavior but, I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
Life is but an adventure in which we learn how to become one with rourselves with the help of the dark night of the soul. The dark night will challenge our ego and force us to confront all the things that keep us from progressing on the journey through life. The Dark night has been nudging me for a long time saying, “It’s time to let go of what no longer spiritually serves you,” and to,“ irrevocably give yourself grace and love.” I will never be what others expect of me. Real life is the opposite of what the world accepts and expects. How someone else is doing isn’t a real comparison to the story of your life. So far I have learned that gratitude is the most important tool to combat oppression. What I don’t have or how I look is nothing in comparison for all I do have.
I am grateful to be 42 years of age and have lived through hardships that blessed me with my beautiful and brilliant daughter. I love my family, I appreciate the friends I do have, I value my peace because it is the space where magic happens, and I am grateful for the gifts I enjoy pursuing. All of these things are enough because I know that my gratitude will increase exponentially when I count my blessings.The dark night has been teaching me to give thanks to the pain because it allows me to grow into someone I’ll always be proud of instead of becoming someone I will one day be proud of. Always remember that life is a beautiful journey written by you. The dark night is challenging you to be in this world but not of it so that you can make your story an epic one.