In The Middle

Silence is my greatest enemy. I withhold the truth to myself that God in heaven may not hear my prayers. That isn’t the case though, I don’t think? Maybe it is? I have a mind that is able to fully understand darkness and light and in my world the balance was off scale for many years. Darkness used to always have a way of winning over light thanks to years of conditional beliefs. At the end of each sentence there lies a choice and how it ends resides in my hands. Frustration barged into the halls where I had to make the choice of right and wrong and like Sarah in the Labyrinth I made the wrong choices. Common sense only confused me. Up was down and down was up, the helping hands I chose not to trust. When I plummeted down into the den of forgotten dreams it reeked of death and the sight I was given displayed a field of dreams covered in dust. I was trapped, I felt and I could not see the forest for the trees. This idea made my goals unattainable. Whenever I am on course of living positively voices leak out through the walls and shouts in favor of my impending doom. I begin to think I am not good enough and what if people think I am crazy. When I combat my fears I began to believe that I will lead to certain destruction. The coward inside of me helps me to navigate my path and for assurance I handed off the plastic bracelet of friendship. I came to the realization that if I am to conquer my fears I would have to become my own best friend. Now that I’ve met the kindred spirit within I’ve found a way to use the darkness to help me lead back to the light. Fear was and is an element that can no longer stab me in the back. Fear is always eager to direct us off course while we attempt to reach our point of attraction. After years of racing through the adventure we call life I’ve come to a place where I shatter the glass ceiling and victory is now underway. Fear you have no power over me.

On the basis of my understanding life is an illusion we become. The systems around us are illustrated internal structures and we never fully understand all of what we think will come to pass. The desires of the heart paints out the plot of our life right before our eyes and as of yesterday I was able to see myself writing my distorted truths. Protect the heart with the forces of love and tiny black opals. Life is reduced to a stage and instead of abundance many choose madness that dates beyond medieval origins.  The child in me must live if I want to be in a creative space. With the assistance of my creator I paint into existence the princess I was as a child dancing before the Christmas tree with my nutcracker prince.  Alas, as a child my musical preference was directed towards Tchaikovsky and it made me feel elegant and free. Today I no longer miss the freedom in the magic I always possessed. Time forces me to grow up but, with certainty I will never lose my childlike spirit. I believe that I always favored the Nutcracker because the story itself was magical. Inside I yearned for my favorite childhood toy soldier to come to life to defeat the Mouse King and then I would courageously be rushed off into the magical kingdom  colonized by dolls. I was the princess in my fantasy I changed the story a little so that I could participate in the battle. I was brave and my curiosity to create was the only thing I cared about. I am surely content for bravery and curiosity has once again returned.

I shed many tears over the weekend. Every time I press the reality button I am reminded of all that “is” in the moment. I shatter every time I hear or see the horrific news reports. From rumors of war, hurricanes, murders, missing cases, racism, sexism, religious and anti-religious hatred, narcissistic Facebook posts and  the band of negativity plays on. When berated with low-frequency information I begin to feel hopeless in my own affairs. I pointed my attraction towards self-pity. After a day of wallowing I stood up to my ego. I would not settle for sinking in the swamp of sadness. My inner strength is not in tales of love and marriage the conventional way. I used to think something was wrong with me because I wasn’t fully attracted to being tied down with a baby and coming home from work or staying home to be the formidable wife. When I am in my creative space my name becomes Ever the creative dreamer and not Miya soon to be someone’s Mrs. I battled with the comparative choice because I felt that I was obligated to get married and build white picket fences. I finally accept the hand I was dealt.  I was born to be the entertainer and the thought-provoking creator of life with my own concepts.

I had to disconnect from the turmoil and trust that my guidance system would lead me to better feeling thoughts. I oblige that Choice is an illusion. Today I can sit back and observe the story I have been writing and as my thoughts transform my life follows the course of positive change. But wait, it’s not that easy because fear is very comfortable in the environment of our hearts. Where I am at the moment in my journey I am waiting before the guard dog by the Bog of Eternal Stench and I am only frightened to let go of the hell I’ve created. This is enlightening information for me. At my own request I get to forgive and permit myself access into the land where I can see the forest for the trees. Fear is a conquest already defeated if we chose to see it this way. I will not conform to the possible influence of someone else’s will. I’ve built my way back to positive points of attraction.

I carry the token of knowledge and wisdom and hold it as a torch that helps me navigate through life.

A slide-show of my crazy, sexy, and cool mind and I get to express things that are only meant for me to understand. I am a dreamer within a dreamer, a Bastian meet Atreyu fairytale. Everyday I am able to get lost in the sounds of midnight in all that will be. Life is a dream one that I get to create.

Thank you for visiting my site today. Follow my journey, comment, like this post and follow me on the links below.

Conjure Your Inner Child Always,

Miya

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