There is something deep inside of me that keeps me from going to the next spiritual level. There is a lonely little girl who sits on the throne of my ability to grow strong and be happy with who I am. I have fixed outward appearances in the past and the modification has never cured the problem. I’ve had to walk down many roads of life mostly by myself. Abandonment has been downloaded into my DNA. Today, I choose for abandonment to be banished. In truth, when I focus my attention on the pain I collected throughout the years, I cry. This pain locked inside me causes me to blunder just like in a game of chess. I create so many barriers and in the end the barriers never protect me, I suffer. I really want to figure out what it is I need to do to change how I feel. When something is too hard I usually give up on it completely. The fear of failing or rejection keeps me from being able to step out of the illusory comfort zone I’ve created.
I should have begun this blog stating that this post would not be on a cheerful note. I feel that it is ok because I am working on connecting any dots to aid in making me whole. I feel my innocence was abused. I trust people openly and I want to become friends with anyone I meet. I don’t think about the possibilities that come along the way. I’ve never compartmentalized my social life. The motto of my innocence is family, friends and never foe or an associate. This innocence travelled with me from birth and like a thief in the night, pain locked it away. There are moments when it attempts to surface but, I feel that I have no control over my will when meeting new people so, much of the time I will stay to myself and not get close to anyway. Not to negate what I have learned from yesterdays post but, I don’t want to hurt anymore by what I call my foolish attempts of getting to know people. Be it outside of work or from work.
The life we live in today places rules on meeting people. We have to setup our lives as if every day is a game of chess and not happiness and rainbows. To many people my cheerfulness is unrealistic so, I am analyzed as someone they don’t understand. Much of the time people stay away from anything that complicates their understanding of the world and I am no different.
Once upon a time, I believed that we fought for our hopes and dreams. And because everyone prospers in the presence of joy, when I see someone in need I recognize my inner need for friendship. My innocence always believed anything was possible when I never gave up. Though I am trying to resolve my questions and the answers are reaching the surface, I believe this attitude illustrates why I constantly forgive others. I recognize that we don’t always understand what we do. When people shoot me down, they don’t know that I secretly feel the gun from the disconnect. I must take responsibility of feeling abandonment because it will only teach me to stay to myself and stay confined to the safety of my solitary life.
I’ve had little disruptions in being alone. All logic tells me to keep life this way if I want to be happy. If a rocket is ever to set forth out of the earthly atmosphere blasting into space it must have an ignition. A rocket is perfect posed in a museum however, how are we to discover outside of this world if we don’t spark the flame of exploration? I feel this way when I know I am fine all by myself but, the reflections in the world offer a different understanding. We should never place limitations on self-exploration. We are all one and if I am to explore myself I must ignite the innocence in me. The innocence that comes with no conditions yet so strong nothing could ever place it away like a caged bird ever again. This is the first time I’ve ever spiritually connected with Maya Angelou for, now I know why the caged bird sings.
I began telling the truth about my life through my blogs because I didn’t want to hide anymore. I am done with negatively spiraling my life where it doesn’t belong. Thoughts can make you prosper so, if I continue the negative trend the life in me will end when fear settles. What plagues me much of the time is knowing I live in a world where we are all free to create our own happiness or our own hell, there is always a choice. When I presented myself to the world my eyes were innocent. Neatly tucked away lay my innocence for years. Fear led me to believe I had life all figured out.
I know how the suicidal because they think they have a full understanding of the world. People filled with dreams of a world where everyone loves one another without prejudice are often crushed because the world tells them that everything they thought they knew was a lie. Why I keep going is far beyond the pain we all must endure. Out of the many reasons I believe my projections of happiness will give the instructions on how to save a life. I choose to not give up. When a life ends, it is because the journey is up. I don’t know when mine will expire but, as long as my heart beats I have to take care of my spiritual weaknesses. I must accept that I am filled with purpose, a dream creator. I was once told by a Catholic School teacher in 7th grade that loving everyone was impossible. If I could see him now I would tell him that my assessment of his ideas were incorrect.
The world will shoot you down but, I have learned it is best to respect that we are more than the world. Our personal projections of this collective consciousness does not have to end with sadness. When advances are misguided we can try or fly away. Martin Luther King stated, “We may all have come in in different ships, but we’re in the same boat now.” I will remember this always when I feel like a risk is in the mist of my innocence. We are all one so, when I feel alone I can know that I can never truly be in the imagination of the way I defined alone in my past.
I offer my gratitude for reading my blog today. If you like this post, have comments or want to share please do so below.
To the spirit of truth,
RIP Chester Bennington March 20, 1976 – July 20, 2017