Matthew 21:21 New International Version (NIV)
21 Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done.
There are so many strongholds placed on my spirit daily. Doubt and fear have always seemed to conquer my actions and the force of the two stir constantly inside of me. How I feel at this present moment makes me think about what Paul wrote in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” I literally hate that fear and doubt sometimes feel like uncontrollable emotions. Lack of faith is a sin against God. God’s word teaches us to fear not and to not doubt, these are two emotions that we can control. I struggle with allowing God to take full control over my weaknesses. I have concluded that it is Christ who makes me strong. When I am weak I must hand my cross over to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I also must remain spiritually fed in his word and for the sake of encouragement I must speak life into every shadow I face.
I used to heavily convince myself that I was punished by God for every sin I’ve ever committed. Every time I was on the right track the road would grow narrow and I fell away from God’s grace. I lost my faith in God and I blamed Him for my misery. Even today I struggle with my unbelief. After I lost everything I owned including the life of my son I was forced to move back in with my parents. For years I felt like a burden because when my depression surfaced I would go to a place that was very hard to pull myself out of. As a result I tried to commit suicide because I believed God hated everything about me. All around me friends and family members would be blessed while I was trapped in a reality where everything was taken from me. It is difficult for me to express how it feels to be an outcast but, I describe it as feeling unloved and unwanted and as a result to those feelings I start to believe the forces of the entire world are against me.
What lifts me back up is when I declare thankfulness to God. I also think of my nephew and how I would feel if he had similar feelings. With Gods guidance I began to thank God for the removal of a spirit that He did not give to me in the first place. I speak over my own thoughts and combat the negative thoughts with the word of God. I believe that God allows me to have these feelings not because He doesn’t love me but, because he wants to show me that I am not in alignment with His promises and He has given me the authority to speak His word over the dark forces that go against me. God pulls me back in when fear and doubt begin to hinder me and I thank Him for this.
When you are afraid or when you have doubts let that be a reminder that those feelings are not a gifted spirit from God but, of the devil. God gives us the authority to cast out negative spirits. Fear and Doubt are apart of human nature and our relationship with sin but, Thanks be to Jesus Christ we don’t have to stop at that connection. We are set free and given the authority to speak over the devil and over ourselves. Encouragement is only a challenge when you don’t know the power you are born with. God will guide you back into his loving grace if you allow Him. I want to encourage anyone who may be dealing with depression or thoughts of suicide. How you feel is valid but, the only way to pull yourself up is to know your power! Know that if you are alive it is not the end, there is purpose in your situation and I believe that the God I know that rains on the just and unjust will see that you prosper. Have faith and be courageous as you walk through the valley of the shadow of death.