Sometimes my mind moves slow, kind of like molasses. The words I have to say are thick and I get stuck sometimes because I worry about how I will sound when the words come out. I’ve learned somewhere a long time ago that we are to sacrifice for one another. I also read that in order to be a good Christian we are supposed to be submissive to one another. I believe that I have become the type of person where people see me as a gullible easy target and they easily dump their hatred on me because I am completely forgiving. Today I am 37. I was born October 17th 1980 in Philadelphia, Pa at Parkview Hospital located in the Frankfort section of Philadelphia. My dad worked there as a diagnostic technician. I don’t remember the times when he did work because he stopped working when I was a baby. Let’s just say he worked in Hospitals when people could smoke inside of them. He used to tell me about the wild parties he and his co-workers used to have. He used to always joke around about the paraphernalia and booze they had at their parties. Growing up I saw my parents as the King and Queen of Disco.
Our basement on 11th street in the Logan section of Philly was decked out with a huge bar and a kick-ass shower. As we grew older the basement started to smell like rotting water and the house started to sink. You could see the house separating from where the kitchen and the laundry room were connected. If we did not move out of that house the back room would have been destroyed because the entire back-end of the house was sinking. As if I rewound my life back to the past before the sinking began I can see all of my fond childhood memories up until I was 12 years of age in that house. I remember dreaming of becoming a pop star in my sister’s room every time she was away at a friend’s house. I can see me and my sister raising our pet guinea pigs. I named my guinea pig after this Hispanic boy named Christopher I used to like in 1st and 2nd grade. His mother looked like Peggy Bundy and his dad was a black janitor at our school, Bernie Elementary. I once got beat up by two young boys in front of him. I was actually pretty good at handling them both until I saw Christopher. I guess I should have known then that boys/men would be a lot of trouble for me. My childhood memories are fond and sacred. Most of my spiritual life was cultivated when I was young. In fact I began reading the Bible when I was 9 so that I could understand why God took my grandmother away. I was terrified of God. It wasn’t until I was 30 that I understood what it means when it says in the word of God that Fearing the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and wisdom(Proverbs 9:10). I guess God decided to introduce knowledge and wisdom to me at a very young age. I feared God so much that it lead me to live a life of sacrifice. I used to be open to the idea of putting myself aside and never second guessing any negative consequences. God taught me how to love others but, what about love for myself? The answer is simple, God did teach me how to love myself when he gave me the passion for writing and the love of music. Also, when God created me he made me different and I see now that it is a difference worth embracing. I am not supposed to look like anyone else but me. I also love nature and I really love when I can help others. However, lately God has been telling me that I need to be selfish. I think I can remember being told this before when I started to lose control of my own thoughts back in my early 20’s. I cared more of what someone else had to say over what I had to say. My voice I kept silent for I feared that the words that flowed through my mouth would only sound imprudent. I believed that since I was never pretty then I would never matter. So, I started to pay less attention to myself.
I struggled for years with stuttering and I lived my life second guessing every word that came out of my mouth. I whole-heartedly believed that someone else would think I was ill-advised. In my life, people told me that I what I had to say was wrong and I that should learn the facts by watching the news and trusting every credible source. My political views were mine own and I had my individual take on religion and education. I was always somewhat of a rebel. I’ve always thought that loving the whole world was possible. Yes, even those who have done wrong. The bible has taught me that true judgement can only come from God though we all individually have the power to discern the spirits. Now at 37, I see clearly that LOVE is what will solve every issue on this planet but, it is not up to us to decide which way the wind blows. It is up to us to decide which forces we want to align. Work under the forces of dark or be used by the power light; this is our daily choice. Sometimes life is unexpected. What happens is not important. Our future is measured by the actions we take today and I am happy that I’ve learned that it begins with what I think. I lived my life from 26-36 believing that I could manage my life without God. God showed himself in between through all of my hardships but, I wanted to think that I had the power to maintain who I was. I was sorely mistaken but, with Gods infinite wisdom he has forgiven me. I feel his love radiate throughout my thoughts every time I decide to write a poem, a song, or when I blog.
You can fall a million times and God will always be open to forgive you. This morning I said a prayer to ask God to move heavily on my mind so that I can learn to forgive myself. I am extremely apologetic when I don’t have the right words to say or if, when compared to others, I lack attraction. I truly don’t believe that God allowed me to make it to 37 to be comfortable with believing that I am to be a failure. With all the wrong I have done I know that somewhere I was able to implement diligence in my walk. More than ever I care what I have to say and my story will be told through my perspective. I began this blog thinking of my family because they are my foundation aside from God. When my childhood home was demolished my childhood stories went down with the house. I once believed that when a home was gone so were all of its stories but, I am happy that is not the case. When my family moved to a new section in the city I thought I had lost the feeling of being a dreamer. Where the sun can’t shine there is only a shadow blocking its trajectory. I realized that even though my home on 11th street was no longer standing any new home after is built upon the same structure. When I connect every home I’ve ever lived in my story has a flow that only myself and God can comprehend.
I am grateful to make it to 37. I understand that though my life has taken many turns away from grace I had to hit rock bottom to be pulled back into Gods warm embrace. In the end I can say with confidence that life is a mellifluous melody and when the tune sounds drastic it is important to not lose faith in God. For those who don’t believe in God, I believe for you that there is a higher power that will help you weather the storms in life. There is nothing we can do to stop a storm but, we can monitor our reactions through them. Thank you for listening to this 37 year olds ramblings today. I am truly grateful to have an opinion of my life up until this point and I pray that I have many more life lessons to add as I learn to selfishly love myself. Happy Birthday to me, by God’s grace I am wonderfully made.
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Learn to Play and be Happy,