Being an African American Female I am able to hold a special relationship with God. Through the years of slavery to racism to even sexism God has moved powerfully in my life. I stand here today knowing there is method in my master’s holy plans. I don’t always understand why I was faced to be the outcast of the life around me but, Gods ways are surely not my ways. The answer will always be: Yes I trust you Lord.
Sometimes a disability can be something you stick behind and defend just to lock away any potential gift you may hold. The great and mighty I AM motivates me when I struggle with believing in myself. Fear, a disability, becoming ill, the cause does not have to justify the means in which we live our daily lives hoping no one will call us out to damage what we hold dear. For a long time fear motivated me to hide myself even if whatever gifts I possessed were meant to shake up the world. I told myself every day that I was not smart or pretty, why should I be accepted? I agreed with those who were able to recognize my differences. The safest place for me to hide for years was to play only in the dark. Darkness and being alone with God were all that mattered to me. I feel so comforted when the only one I try to please is God. God accepts me for who I am. Over the past few months God has surrounded and blocked every area of my life that included pleasing anyone outside myself. Like the time I lost my son, God separated real love and those who did not have my best interest at heart. No hard feelings because they were not meant to have a hand at my recovery. I lived my life having many addictions from alcohol to being around others who selfishly thought of their own comfort and did not care how they handled mine. God removed them all because I am in the best care when my heavenly Father is in the midst.
For years I had not because I asked not (John 16:24). I never asked God to help me with anything that I struggled with internally that would prove the power of God was behind my greatest achievements. In my final year of High School we had to do a senior project. The senior project was focused on any event in history with a creative spin tailored to our choosing. I chose to create a diary of a girl who expressed how she felt on the cruise liner, the Titanic, up until the moment the ship sank. The book looked waterlogged but, it was miraculously preserved. I got an A on that project and it was put up at the Art Museum of Philadelphia for being great literary work. I can confirm that it was God’s grace that gave me the enthusiasm to research actual events of the Titanic. It was also God who provided me with the idea to create something that would be considered a historical document if it were true and for that reason I was able to I tap into the creative wisdom of God. As I grew older I unfortunately have strayed away and I forgot how to ask God for the desires of my heart.
When I turned away from God it did not persuade God to disconnect from me. However, God allowed my ignorance to fester and boil until it couldn’t any longer. Last night I sat in a dark room all by myself crying. I cried tears of joy because God is so powerful. God loves me so much that he would use his powers to isolate me until all I had was him. When you lose people it can break your heart. My heart has been broken for 12 years and now is my time to claim what God has for me. I am finding comfort in my Father as I continue to establish a meaningful relationship with him and with myself. Since I’ve been separated from physical attachments I see that I have a future ahead of me and as long as I have God nothing could ever compare.
For most of my life I was ridiculed for being different. My external differences matched my inability to fully express myself. I can recall times when teachers would treat me differently because I was not one of the brightest or prettiest students in the class. In fact, I failed first grade and I am certain that it wasn’t because I lacked the mental capacity to understand basic math or reading comprehension. I remember being told that I needed to stand out of the classroom because I was disrupting the class and I was only quiet and shy. I’ve always been quiet up until this present time. One of the most loving translations of God’s power and love was through my parents. My mother and father fought to get me out of my minority neighborhood school so I could have a better education. After I transferred to Lawton Elementary I became an honor student and I was placed into an accelerated reading class. God used his power then to show me that I could comprehend any challenge. Looking back I can see now that God has been using people to treat me as if I was a pariah so that he could manifest within me the desires of my heart.
In society I’ve had many strikes placed against me. What this tells me today is that God has special plans for me. I surrender to my father’s needs and graciously I walk with a yearning flame to fulfill God’s will in my life. One thing I have always asked from my father is that I will be able to live out my best life while I am still young. When people go astray or if I lose anything it is God’s doing, even my own ignorance. However, I pray that I am able to be used to recognizably build the kingdom of God from within so that people will see that God is mighty. God is my foundation and more than anything I want to please Him by proclaiming every day that I want His will to be done. I struggled with my differences for most of my waking life. Now that I surrender all to my amazing heavenly Father I celebrate my differences. God uniquely made me and he has a plan that I trust with all of my heart
Thank you for reading my blog today. I am grateful for all likes and comments so if you like this post or want to share your insight please be at liberty to do so. Follow me on my journey for finding happiness in desert experiences and share with the links below. If you have lost everything and you see that God is all you have in the end be comforted by knowing that God has authority over any and all things. Hold your head up high, pick up your cross and follow Him.
Live Life Celebrating Your Differences