Where I Am v Where I Want To Be

I am my own worst enemy and sometimes I look at my life and I am ashamed that I work as a Technical Support Representative, I moved back with my parents, and my bank account is struggling. Where I am now can make where I want to be feel like a worthless exertion. I have moments of motivation but, then I fall back down into a rut where I focus on the present so much that I realize I am not happy with my present. I want to be successful but, I war against my present conditions and at some point the war has to expire. So many things lead to gratitude and I know that if I can’t appreciate my present then my present conditions will always exist. We live in a society that tells us who to be at different stages in life. I used to focus on the importance of status and as a result I would cower at the slight sight of success. I gave in and told the in the moment Miya she doesn’t deserve success because she has walked the path of sin. Does it end right here? Do I roll over and die giving credit to lack and limitation? I really believe there is something more I must do.

On Monday I was listening to Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations 2 Part Podcast interview with Iyanla Vanzant and I had to hold back tears. While Iyanla was talking about her life it brought chills to my body for God has given me similar experiences. Iyanla suffered from loss, sexual abuse, and struggled with financial hardships even when she was doing better financially. Iyanla was a sinner and God still was able to use her. She changed her name to Iyanla Vanzant because she felt that Rhonda Harris, the name she was born with, had died. She reinvented herself so she could let go of all of the hurt and pain. She discovered that as she focused on her history her circumstances never improved. Iyanla had to build up the spirit of gratefulness and it was her gratefulness that lead her to abundance. Her story helped me to fully accept that God is not finished with me.

Some days I feel sorry for the life I have lived. I’ve told my story so many times and lately I’ve grown tired of repeating the same old tune. I want to have freedom in my life. I look on Social Media and see people going on really extravagant trips around the world and when I view my life in comparison I want to give up. I thought that it didn’t matter what I did I would never amount to anything. When I began this blog I was hoping that my friends and family would join me on this journey to help me build up something I love. I am saddened by all of the excuses I’ve heard. I thought that it was me so, I put myself down as I always have done. I thought maybe it was because I didn’t have my own place any longer, I didn’t have a glamorous job to speak proudly of and since I had nothing I could never teach someone else how to NOT make the same fatal mistakes I’ve made. How could I? I didn’t have a lot of possessions and I couldn’t afford to go on trips around the world. I definitely didn’t have a host of friends that I could say I was dearly close to. When I met new acquaintances the friendship lasted only for a little while and then we drifted apart. I’ve repeated the same tune and I can’t even disclose how long its been.

Some people have said that I am getting what I deserve but, if God is forgiving then the notion of payback would not amount to anything. When one sheep goes missing the shepherd will go back to search for the missing sheep. I think “payback” has more to do with the unwillingness to forgive ourselves. People can have all of the opinions they desire about our lives but, their opinion comes from the human understanding of forgiveness. God operates in ways the conditional mind could never comprehend. So then, I must lean on the forgiveness of my creator which gives me the power to fully forgive myself. I know the patterns of my life have hurt a lot of people and I do ask for forgiveness. I also accept all who have chosen not to forgive me. I once lived my life according to the forgiveness of other human beings. I used to walk around with my head down and I felt sorry for myself. I thought that regardless of my status I would still be an outcast unworthy of friendships and the feeling of togetherness. I gathered every condition in my past and I allowed my past to guide my present. I have been caught in the middle of disgrace and gratitude and recognized that I needed to make a choice. Today I choose gratitude to direct my paths.

Have you ever searched high and low for something and discovered what you were searching for was obviously right in front of you? Gratitude is like that for me. I tried to live a righteous path and I went straight to hell. On the other hand, I decided hell was the best I could get so I did nothing, all the while something was calling me upwards out of the darkness every time I tried to give up. My love for writing and singing calls for me to see my hopes and dreams despite my present. The present will always change when you focus on better days and there is no compromise. Once I fully accepted that I needed to see success in the now my life began to change for the better. There are ideas led by the pages of death and people who must stay in the past and when I refuse to do so I know that my present conditions will move at the pace of my beliefs. I get to start over just like Iyanla and be used and guided by my heavenly creator.

The first thing we should do when we open our eyes from slumber is give thanks to the universe. Be thankful that you are given ideas to change your life for the better. Be grateful for all the joy that is to come and the struggle too because it will only make you stronger. Where I am depends on what weighs in my heart. I will be successful because I already am. I get inspired every day to speak on different topics that pop in my head. And regardless of judgment, I eagerly post on my blog as often as I can. I work behind the scenes on the creative genius of the universe and by the spirit of God my ego no longer has a hold on me. Great works of art take time, they certainly don’t spring up overnight. Timeless pieces last forever and I believe that my spirit is infinite and defeats the will of my ego.

I thank you for visiting my blog today. If this message is able to reach one heart this blog would serve its purpose. I am here to preach and teach about what I have learned and will continue to learn throughout my journey of happiness. Try to remember that where you are now starts from your perspective. If you think that you are hopeless, then hopeless you will be. Likewise; if you think you are abundant than abundant you will be. Where you want to be always is in the present focusing on the joy from each life experience. Embrace the past by knowing that it was there to build your character and today is the day to take control of your life. Know this one thing is true: No one can change your life but you. You are the hero in your story don’t allow anything or anyone to take away your greatness. Furthermore, I will let you in on a little secret; No one has to power to make or break you anyway. I believe that we can feel the frequencies of discord in others and remember you can only manage you’re your heart. Change your mind and you will change your world.

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Caught between Love and Conditions

There was once a time in my world where I used to believe that true love was being kissed by a prince and then awakening from a curse of deep slumber. To dive in a little deeper I believed that a man would save me from some unknown enemy and the gift he would give would be his undying love and without his love I would be ruined. I think there are millions women who might have believed love was the same as my former definition. I also believed that other women would only be a threat to that love. A few years ago I remember talking to a friend about what I call the Disney Princess Curse. This is a curse that all young girls are subjected to by watching movies like Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. I admire Walt Disney for creating these films but, it is time to detangle the web of lies. Little girls become women who seek after the same childhood fantasies and I’m sorry to the late Walt Disney but, the love we were taught as young girls was mystified by an inaccurate definition. We must love ourselves but, how when we’ve never been shown the right way?

I used to have this fantasy where I would meet the man of my dreams on a stage while singing at my sold out concert. My dream guy would walk onto the stage, kiss me and profess his adoration and that was my image of the phrase, “And they lived happily ever after.” No fights to work through or break ups to get over just a happy ending. As I grew older I thought I lost my fantasy when I started to choose men by the contents of their character. After I became better acquainted with a guy I would link together all of my childhood fantasies by believing in true loves kiss and just like that, a savior was born in my eyes. I have been living  in a deceptive world made of smoke, magical dust and mirrors. I learned from the trance I was under that love was a physical definition and because of this I missed out on loving myself for 36 years.

I’ve written a few blogs about the importance of self-love and as I continue to grow in my journey my definition of the fantasy dissipates. I am sure most people has heard of the song lyrics, “Looking for love in all the wrong places.” It’s ironic because I looked for love in every place that didn’t include myself. The world teaches little girls that what you look like on the outside is most significant. The world confides in the minds of little girls that we need to hate one another and be blind to the fact that we are only hating ourselves. It is up to us to pull each other up by the lowest common denominator and start praising every female we encounter. When you give love it finds its way by coming back around.

My ability to love the self became an impossible task. I kept defining conditions that pointed to worthiness. I grew up complacent in knowing with certainty I would never be attractive because my nose was too big, the gap between my teeth was repulsive and I have been living in the land of negatively labeled plus-sized women for most of my life. I even went through bouts of hell for not being articulate every time I opened my mouth. The struggle was real but, the real part of the struggle was only an impression I chose not to see. In effort to deprogram my thoughts of self-hate I am looking at all of the barriers I position in mind when I attempt to love myself. In a way I can feel the layers peel from how I used to primarily view my life. The worlds definition of love teaches us to never be satisfied with who we are.  Love goes beyond any definition because it has no limits.

Last night I had a very tiny wakeup call while thinking about my past experiences with men. I used to blame men for not treating me with decency. I held a grudge in my heart and as time passed the hatred I felt transitioned into defeat and I began to tell myself I wasn’t worthy enough to be respected. Encouragement can only get you so far. I recognized that I had to examine the conditions I placed and create a plan of action that will improve my self-worth. I must eat better and exercise my mind, body and spirit. A wealthy body is a healthy body. It is ok to look appealing with makeup as long as the glistening persona doesn’t blind the ego for, looks do change. On the same token, it is ok to get my hair done and wear nice clothes but, the definition is checked at the door so that I am able to confront my truest self. This is the period I love all of me and rely on the universe to guide me to my transcendent match in the department of love. When people disregard my worthiness I recognize that I authorized the treatment by showing them where I stand in self-love.

Love has been tarnished in songs because people struggle with its definition and the mind becomes trapped in a box surrounded by conditions.  Love Is a Battlefield, is a song by Pat Benatar that makes me think love struggles. Also, The Spinners sold the message that Love Don’t Love Nobody (It Takes A Fool). Love could never struggle because it is the undisputed champion of the universe and even darkness can’t destroy what love brings. The Spinners were wrong, love does love everybody and that’s too much for the mind to comprehend. Let go of every condition and began to feel that we were all born to be free. Thank you for visiting my page. Please like, comment and follow The Happy Nappy and fill free to share with the links below.

Be encouraged,

Miya

Don’t Find Yourself Living in a Land of Little to No Dreams.

Over the Labor Day Weekend I stayed in a Condo at Wildwood Crest, NJ. Once again nature has won me over and provided a few sacred lessons for me all involving a life that I chose that had little to no room for dreaming. I held myself back for years by finding comfort in blaming others. It ends today for, today I live in the land of infinite possibilities. One: I am a threat to a lot of women because I have my own voice and I am happy. Two: Fear is a wonderful emotion that I can embrace and not run from. Three: If my thoughts lead to a condition, then let it go and allow God to take over. Four: Every life force has its place and we should get used to trusting the universe by being still. And Five: One of my dreams was buried at the beach over the weekend.

I had an amazing weekend. I casually say amazing because I can’t internally search for any word greater than that word is for me. I got to run through the beach in the rain. I ran towards the ocean and not away where it was safe. I thought a lot about my dreams. What I want for my future and what I am willing to do to make my dreams happen. I have to say goodbye to a lot of conditional junk. I used to wonder why out of the two variants of gender women can be so hateful towards one another. I can remember when I used to put my head down because I feared what the pretty girls would say about me in front of the “cool” guys they were around. As I grew older I started to get different responses from men. When I was at my best I was like a magnet to men and when I was at my worst, the weird creeps were ever-present in my decembers. But females, they still found ways to put me down. I’ve heard you look like a man, I look like I am someone’s grandmother, my makeup looks weird, down to me being basic and dumb and of course the almighty fat shaming. I learned this weekend that I am a woman who has always had her own voice. I am strong, intelligent, and funny and so much more than anyone could understand. To the ladies out there it is better for you to support each other’s strengths than for you to bash a fellow woman down to the level of your own weaknesses. Strength is not a threat, it is a promise so, rise up and take your promise Queens!

Another thing nature taught me over the weekend is that it is ok to be afraid. When fear is present it means you are closer to your dream than you thought. A dream goes beyond your wildest expectations and the effort you put into it will lead to a lot of downs that are there to ask your spirit, how bad do you want the dream to come into fruition? As I mentioned, I ran in the rain towards the ocean. I heard the storm warning alarms and I slightly ignored them. All I wanted to do was allow the rain to beat on my face so I could feel the warm salt water erase the lotion from my face. I wanted to close my eyes and get swept away in what it feels like to be motionless through a storm. I felt like a care-free child all over again because I didn’t have a care in the world that was greater than that moment. The more I make myself happy I began to see a world with fewer conditions.

If my thoughts lead to a condition, then let it go and allow God to take over. Sunday night I lay in bed thinking of all the things that strengthen me and none of those things matter when there is a condition. I can sometimes look down on my potential because I struggle to find the right words to say. I get caught up into thoughts that don’t serve me. When my conditions are present the right words to say reside in those who have an advanced vocabulary. When I think of the person who can say it better I pause my progress. I limit the power of God by letting my will get in the way. Conditional thinking surely doesn’t help a dream when you want it to soar. That night I went to bed to the lullaby of my creator. Not only do I understand my purpose, I also understand that my entire life up until this moment and moving forward will always be in the hands of God’s will. When I ask what God’s will is for my life; it is one of great responsibility. I expect to fall many times for, when I fall I am better equipped for what God has promised.

Every life force has its place and we should get used to trusting the universe by being still. It’s interesting that I learned this lesson on the 4th day of September. The number four in numerology connects us to consciousness and awareness. The day after the storm, the sun still rose, the birds got up to gather their rations and most fascinating,  the tiny ocean dwellers washed up to the shore. Horseshoe crabs and hermit crabs don’t run when they are washed up on the beach, they stand still and trust their place in nature. There is little to no movement they wait for the tides to take them back in to the ocean, be a source for the survival of another ocean life form and/or use their bodies weight to burrow into the sand to continue their own purpose. What would life be like if we were still through things outside of our control?

The final lesson taught by nature; I can literally bury a dream. I can bury it, nurture it with love, sit back and watch my desires come to pass. Our desires can give us what we want in love or give us all that we fear and regardless of the outcome it is all according to God’s will. Push past your own limited conditional thinking and know that God freely gives us the desires of our hearts. God’s unconditional support allows us to experience what we think can spiritually destroy us and that support protects us so that, we are able to live and see another day. Count your blessings and let your blessings be part of your daily grace. Limited thinking disconnects the understanding that everything from the issues of life to the celebrations serves a purpose. Don’t waste your time on what you have no control over. Believe in yourself and like me, be bold and bury a dream wherever you feel most at home.

I offer my gratitude for reading my blog today. This weekend was compiled with synchronicity and abundance. There are a few things I said would happen before the summer came to an end and it is really amazing to see something that you hope for come to you in perfect alignment. Gratitude is key in life and I really advise you dive in the spirit of being grateful for the life you were given. Things can look bad but, I promise it’s all for a purpose. When you can’t express gratitude get off the high horse of the ego and lift someone else up. I vow to myself to give myself more time to examine all the puzzle pieces in my life that doesn’t fit with my greatest potential. I hope everyone had a great Labor Day Weekend. What has nature taught you and what advice would you give to seekers of this life. Like, or comment and share with the links below. Also follow The Happy Nappy Project. May we all find ways to make this life better starting today.

With Gratitude,

Miya