Today’s blog contains extremely low vibrational energy. However, I am on a journey to heal and work through all of my experiences. There are very few things that are perplexing to me. One: I am not a fan of people who are mendacious for selfish reasons. Two: I don’t like to dwell on situations that don’t replete me. Three: I don’t always understand my forgiveness. And Four: The final thing that perplexes me is why God would ordain for someone to go through a life filled with rejection. When you are rejected you really feel impartial to believing that there is purpose for your life. If I am to be honest I know that I don’t want to feel like my own breath is against me but, how can you have hope when people only care about their excuses over their mistreatment of others. There are many situations where I have walked away depraved and I can’t even count the moments where I thought about resolving how I felt by ending my life. When people bestialize me it creates internal distress and the centralized war is defined for me as truth that some people have no compassion and are cowards so it is better to remain eschew where it is safe.
The idea of being alone feels counterfactual with my spirit. I believe that there is an alternative lesson that I can grasp. I can no longer count the times I’ve traveled back to my past relationship only to be front and back stabbed by a repeat offender. When I try to move forward alone, I survive. Eventually I start to meet new people and for reasons I can’t comprehend things will go great for the first few weeks with someone new but, as quick as reality shifts from day to-night the men I talk to end up changing or I will change. One day they no longer speak to me and ignorance is justification for how I am treated and this is something that extenuates my will to place my faith in people. If I am being honest with myself, this used to make me feel like leper.
I spoke with my mother and a friend of mine today and told them that if people are going to be egotistical then I’d rather not associate myself with them or anyone. I sometimes don’t know if I should focus on what’s detrimental to relieve all the discomfort in my heart or attempt to dismiss the idea that I am hurt by the transgressions of others. I’ve learned that ignorance is not bliss for me. I know I must think outside the box so that I can discover a way to construct fortitude by not being vindictive in the process. I’ve learned in life that if something hurts it needs to be healed. In the past I worked on weight management, I became deeply involved with religion, I tried getting to know people on an amicable level, I played lots of video games, wrote and sang my own music material, watched comedies and daydreamed liked crazy. When I write I am able to release how I am feeling most of the time. What can I do when I feel I’ve tried everything?
Let’s make one thing very clear, I trust no one and I do believe this is the genesis of why people back away from me. I comprehend that if I’ve affirmed that outer trust will never exist then I need to expect that there is an internal fragment of my trust that will be missing. Basically, I am caught in a give/get effect. My way of turning distrust around is by staying present even when I am dismissed. I will always say hello to people and communicate with them. I swear I wrestle with my spirit constantly because I know that I could be setting myself up for disappointment. In the back of my mind I know that there is a looming possibility that who I communicate with will stop talking to me. I’ve had many self-fulfilling prophecies and the thing with that is this: Anything self-fulfilled may not be 100 % true.
I’ve read everything from The Secret to The Bible, Followed Churches to Non-Denominationalism, Scrapped lyrics from Hip-Hip to Indie-Rock, & Followed You Tube Guru’s to meeting American minds who are our greatest treasures and I’ve collected thus far is that there will be times when we won’t have all of the answers. Desperation brought me to my knees and I will have to continue to endure the pain. God is present through the pain, the tiny streams I’ve cried, my disappointments, & my hopes. The answer for these tears I am certain I will reap what God has sewn in me. I will let the deflectors be part of my Alley-oop dance. I am God’s little bird. I find God while walking on the beach, hiking in Valley Green, journeying or while singing a song. These activities help me to remember that God will repay all I’ve lost.
When life becomes threatening, its ok God loves you more than you can understand. There is a universal law present in all of us. I call this presence God but, this spirit goes by many names and our own ignorance could NEVER escape this unconditional love. This love allows us to See Sunlight and keep that light even at night. Forevermore, this love permits us to connect with our inner reflections. I am 100% certain I will be speechless when my payment arrives. My advice for anyone when you are at the bottom, just keep moving. Expect to be taken advantage of, walk in love, expect more pain to come. If you shoot for the stars be prepared to have your heart-broken and finally, GIVING UP is never an option.
With all of my gratitude through God’s love, I thank you for visiting today. If you like this post and would like to leave a comment I would love it if you did so. Also, follow me on my journey and share with the links below.
Rebirth in God’s Omni-Present Love,