I am my own worst enemy and sometimes I look at my life and I am ashamed that I work as a Technical Support Representative, I moved back with my parents, and my bank account is struggling. Where I am now can make where I want to be feel like a worthless exertion. I have moments of motivation but, then I fall back down into a rut where I focus on the present so much that I realize I am not happy with my present. I want to be successful but, I war against my present conditions and at some point the war has to expire. So many things lead to gratitude and I know that if I can’t appreciate my present then my present conditions will always exist. We live in a society that tells us who to be at different stages in life. I used to focus on the importance of status and as a result I would cower at the slight sight of success. I gave in and told the in the moment Miya she doesn’t deserve success because she has walked the path of sin. Does it end right here? Do I roll over and die giving credit to lack and limitation? I really believe there is something more I must do.
On Monday I was listening to Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations 2 Part Podcast interview with Iyanla Vanzant and I had to hold back tears. While Iyanla was talking about her life it brought chills to my body for God has given me similar experiences. Iyanla suffered from loss, sexual abuse, and struggled with financial hardships even when she was doing better financially. Iyanla was a sinner and God still was able to use her. She changed her name to Iyanla Vanzant because she felt that Rhonda Harris, the name she was born with, had died. She reinvented herself so she could let go of all of the hurt and pain. She discovered that as she focused on her history her circumstances never improved. Iyanla had to build up the spirit of gratefulness and it was her gratefulness that lead her to abundance. Her story helped me to fully accept that God is not finished with me.
Some days I feel sorry for the life I have lived. I’ve told my story so many times and lately I’ve grown tired of repeating the same old tune. I want to have freedom in my life. I look on Social Media and see people going on really extravagant trips around the world and when I view my life in comparison I want to give up. I thought that it didn’t matter what I did I would never amount to anything. When I began this blog I was hoping that my friends and family would join me on this journey to help me build up something I love. I am saddened by all of the excuses I’ve heard. I thought that it was me so, I put myself down as I always have done. I thought maybe it was because I didn’t have my own place any longer, I didn’t have a glamorous job to speak proudly of and since I had nothing I could never teach someone else how to NOT make the same fatal mistakes I’ve made. How could I? I didn’t have a lot of possessions and I couldn’t afford to go on trips around the world. I definitely didn’t have a host of friends that I could say I was dearly close to. When I met new acquaintances the friendship lasted only for a little while and then we drifted apart. I’ve repeated the same tune and I can’t even disclose how long its been.
Some people have said that I am getting what I deserve but, if God is forgiving then the notion of payback would not amount to anything. When one sheep goes missing the shepherd will go back to search for the missing sheep. I think “payback” has more to do with the unwillingness to forgive ourselves. People can have all of the opinions they desire about our lives but, their opinion comes from the human understanding of forgiveness. God operates in ways the conditional mind could never comprehend. So then, I must lean on the forgiveness of my creator which gives me the power to fully forgive myself. I know the patterns of my life have hurt a lot of people and I do ask for forgiveness. I also accept all who have chosen not to forgive me. I once lived my life according to the forgiveness of other human beings. I used to walk around with my head down and I felt sorry for myself. I thought that regardless of my status I would still be an outcast unworthy of friendships and the feeling of togetherness. I gathered every condition in my past and I allowed my past to guide my present. I have been caught in the middle of disgrace and gratitude and recognized that I needed to make a choice. Today I choose gratitude to direct my paths.
Have you ever searched high and low for something and discovered what you were searching for was obviously right in front of you? Gratitude is like that for me. I tried to live a righteous path and I went straight to hell. On the other hand, I decided hell was the best I could get so I did nothing, all the while something was calling me upwards out of the darkness every time I tried to give up. My love for writing and singing calls for me to see my hopes and dreams despite my present. The present will always change when you focus on better days and there is no compromise. Once I fully accepted that I needed to see success in the now my life began to change for the better. There are ideas led by the pages of death and people who must stay in the past and when I refuse to do so I know that my present conditions will move at the pace of my beliefs. I get to start over just like Iyanla and be used and guided by my heavenly creator.
The first thing we should do when we open our eyes from slumber is give thanks to the universe. Be thankful that you are given ideas to change your life for the better. Be grateful for all the joy that is to come and the struggle too because it will only make you stronger. Where I am depends on what weighs in my heart. I will be successful because I already am. I get inspired every day to speak on different topics that pop in my head. And regardless of judgment, I eagerly post on my blog as often as I can. I work behind the scenes on the creative genius of the universe and by the spirit of God my ego no longer has a hold on me. Great works of art take time, they certainly don’t spring up overnight. Timeless pieces last forever and I believe that my spirit is infinite and defeats the will of my ego.
I thank you for visiting my blog today. If this message is able to reach one heart this blog would serve its purpose. I am here to preach and teach about what I have learned and will continue to learn throughout my journey of happiness. Try to remember that where you are now starts from your perspective. If you think that you are hopeless, then hopeless you will be. Likewise; if you think you are abundant than abundant you will be. Where you want to be always is in the present focusing on the joy from each life experience. Embrace the past by knowing that it was there to build your character and today is the day to take control of your life. Know this one thing is true: No one can change your life but you. You are the hero in your story don’t allow anything or anyone to take away your greatness. Furthermore, I will let you in on a little secret; No one has to power to make or break you anyway. I believe that we can feel the frequencies of discord in others and remember you can only manage you’re your heart. Change your mind and you will change your world.
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