I am up at 2/3 am writing about my mother. She is an amazing woman and I don’t give her the full love that she deserves. She was able to raise two reflections of her femininity and I must say that me and my sister have failed her. I am so ashamed for the disappointing daughter that I have been in the past. I have lied, stolen, and talked to her with disrespect and all she has ever done was be the most supportive mother to me and my sister. I’ve dated men that could never and would never love me. I’ve dated men she would never approve of and all she wants is for me to be happy. She paved ways for me to achieve my dreams and I did nothing to make my dreams happen. When I lost everything all I could do is have a pity party for years. Again, my mother was there to try to protect me from the pain of losing a child because she, like me, lost a child. I am left at this hour feeling the weight of giving my mother a tribute.
When I was a little girl she would always tell me to never give me stuff away and by stuff I mean to never have sex with a man unless he treats you like not just a queen, The Only Queen who ever existed on this earth. I am moved to judgement and if I have to be judged today I would not make it to the place we call heaven. My trickery in the past was my heaven. How could I ever see beauty from a different perspective when I abused beauty directly? My mother is the beauty I’ve mislead so many times in my past. I am here attempting to write a post about my mother. I finally see her maternal beauty. I can remember her singing Minnie Riperton’s Loving you, a song about her daughter Maya Rudolph. She sang so beautifully to me and I can remember feeling like my mother made the song just for me.
Yup, my sister and I have been a complete disappointment. We never had much money but, she worked so hard to provide every toy me and my sister ever wanted. Every Christmas I can remember our tree was crowded with toys for just two little girls. My parents used to allow us to get up before them to start opening our gifts, so I thought anyway. My sister and I would watch Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas. I have always hoped that me and my sister could repair our relationship so we can carry on the tradition of our childhood. The first boyfriend I ever cared about was a semi high school sweetheart. When he broke my heart she knew I could tough it out. The first boy that broke me mentally she told me he would come back. and this was the realist thing I’ve learned from her.
For years I mistook her wisdom as a joke. When she told me every man that broke me would come back, I jumped for joy thinking that a man that came back would automatically be my prince charming. Took 30 years just to see how much of an amazing woman she is and the woman she tried so hard to make out of me. As a parent she made sure she protected me and my sister from pain. It’s crazy how I am mentally transporting images of my childhood. Back on 11th street in Logan is where I was raised. My parents moved us into a formally Jewish neighborhood and built a lot of loving memories. I can remember going to my mother telling her I wanted to be a singer. She scraped her maternal instincts to nurture something I loved. Even if I wasn’t that good at it, she was there. When I was made fun of growing up she would always tell me the kids that made fun of me were talking about me because they were jealous. That phrase never made much sense to me but, now I see that people often are jealous when they talk about something they are not. To me, jealously itself is making fun of people who you don’t understand.
Years ago, as a teenager I had an abortion. I don’t talk about it to anyone, I was 15. She didn’t yell at me. She, along with the mother of my so-called boyfriend, went with me to get the abortion. My mother supported me by helping to get rid of a mistake and she made sure I continued my education and remain focused on my dreams of being a singer. I went to Franklin Learning Center, my second choice school that had a music program. I was too afraid to share my voice with the top school, Creative and Performing Arts (CAPA). My mother loved me so much that she had me live with my aunt just to go to a school in Montgomery County, North Penn. I know she wanted the best for me. Sadly, I could not see how much she loved me. I was too busy thinking about my “friends” and not seeing how much they were holding me back.
When I was little my mother allowed me to be creative. I lived in a fantasy world as a little girl. My mother, with all her love, never told me that the world was opposite from what I wanted to see. I am so happy she didn’t because I understand that her unconditional belief in me was for me to hold onto hope. My childhood imaginations would always be the hope I should always hold onto. Yes, the world is messed up but, she allowed me to learn that my internal world doesn’t have to be filled with chaos. Her love is why I am wide awake in a world that’s sleeping. It is because of her that I, at this very moment (3:25 am 7/2/2017), love myself.
The rabbit hole to self-discovery goes deep. How could I not honor a strong woman who gave birth to me. On Oct 17th, I was born and on Oct 17th, so was my son. I believe there is great significance in the dates. Selfish-less-ly I loved my son for the 5 hours he was alive. I was so tired after I had him and for the first time I saw a pool of blood that came from me. My son had to say goodbye to this world on the same day he was born but, those beautiful moments felt like a lifetime. Before I was born I had a sister named Claudine. My mom lost her after she carried my sister around for 8 months. A year later I was conceived. I am the child that came back to my mother. The day I was born I became Miya Claudine. My mother has been carrying me and my sister for far too long. I can feel the love that she has for me and it doesn’t matter what I do, she will never stop loving me.
My mother taught me the life I would end up having if I didn’t quit and like a spoiled brat I chose my idea her reflection. My mother grew up in an era where racism was worst than it is now. Her opportunities were not the same as the are now. I am where I am because I chose to take the path of least resistance. I saw her as a secretary and never thought twice about the racial barriers she had to cross just to become one. My mother should be praised by me achieving to be the best version of myself. Today, I stop the disappointment. When I have to move to San Francisco or be married to a man that mirrors me I will remember that my mother wants me to be happy and become the strong woman she instilled in me.
It is now close to 4 in the morning and I have to get up to go to the gym in the few hours so, I will conclude shortly. The singer, John Mayer, wrote two songs that best describes my mother. One is Daughters, in this song he tells fathers to be good to their daughters and in at the end of the chorus he says mothers be good to your daughters too. The other is Bigger Than My Body. He sings, “Someday I’ll fly, someday I’ll soar, Someday I’ll be so damn much more, cause I’m bigger than my body gives me credit for. In truth my mother was more than good to her daughters and she is a woman who taught me to not only be bigger than my body but, to be bigger than the weight of every person and thing in this world.
My mothers birthday was Thursday June 29th and I couldn’t get her anything. This is my gift to her, proof that her wisdom has transcended. I had to make a boat load of mistakes to see she only tried to teach me to love not only others but, also myself. It took me to view myself at a different perspective to understand the love my mother has for me. Parents that love their children will always be there for them. I was blessed to have both of my parents my entire life. I was even more blessed to have a mother who was always present. A mother who always made time for me even while talking on the phone with friends and her BFF, my Aunt Pat.
If you’ve never seen the movies Terms of Endearment and Steel Magnolias, I highly recommend them. From these two movies you will get to know the definition of my mother. The mothers cast in these two movies were strong and tough because both women had to endure the pain of having a daughter only to lose them before the end of their life cycle. Even though me and my sister are still alive and well, we should both be dead to my mother because our past actions are a disappointment. She had to carry the weight of our mistakes. The good thing is that it doesn’t have to end there. Today, I will live the life she always wanted by following my dreams. No weapon in this life can ever be formed against me. Even though this is a biblical reference, I was lucky to have a mother to teach me the way to handle life internally and externally. I can freely share my stories because judgement is no longer an option for the rest of my life.
Dear friends, honor your mother even we she is no longer around. Our mothers have taught us that if we put her first we are putting ourselves first because our mothers were able to teach us to become what we dreamed in our childhood. Happy birthday mom, words cannot truly express how much I love you. You are the strong Proverbs 31 Woman I could only hope to be someday. I am so very sorry for the pain I have put you through. While I still have you around I will tribute everyday of my new walk in life to you. Some people honor their parents when they are dead and gone. What better way is there to say I love and appreciate you then expressing my dedication to never disappoint you again. The selfish child in me is dead and gone and thanks to you I am one step closer to finding out what it truly means to be happy.
Thank you for reading my blog on this day made for each of us to discover this life. If you would like to comment by adding your stories please do so below. Also click the like button, follow and/or share with the links.
Find peace and stay golden,
Deuteronomy 5:16-21New International Version (NIV)
16 “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.