Day 14 Loss

                Some events in life we divert ever discussing because the events would be too painful to discuss. My mind went from pillar to post on weather I would discuss this story. I know that by sharing this part of me I would be opening up a part of myself I don’t like to share for fear of being judged negatively. I am so glad I can go back to biblical principles and rid my mind of the troubles of this world. The Bible explains in James 2:14-26 that faith without works is dead. If I just live with the pain of losing alone then I am not actively putting in the faith that my story would change someone else’s life. I want to talk about loss. Everyone reading this blog has suffered some level of loss and it doesn’t matter the extreme, a loss is still a loss. It is important to heal because we all have our own destiny put in place before we were born.  
October 17, 2002, the year my life would change forever. On my birthday I met the man who would be the father of my son. He was the perfect illusion. I was at a point in my life where I had purchased my own home at a very young age, I didn’t have any children, and I had an overall great work-life balance. I remember going for walks by myself. I was dedicated to seeing the beauty in nature. I did a great job at being independent because I didn’t want for anything. It wasn’t important for me to have a boyfriend. I occasionally spent time with my friends but, if they were not around I didn’t let it break me. The strength I felt was unbreakable, so I thought.
There were only two men that presented the abuse of a thousand men in multiple lifetimes to me. My son’s father was the first and he was horrifyingly abusive. If you can think of the unimaginable then 9 times out of 10 he did them to me. When I got the keys to my home he was there. He never asked to move in he just ended up staying at my house rent free. I was young, naïve and worst of all, I thought my overall cheerfulness would fix him. The show Love and Hip Hop would be like watching children’s programming when compared to my life when I was with him. When I became pregnant I began going down a destructive path. I lost my job, I was obsessed with fixing who my ex presented himself to be, I allowed him to hit me and cheat on me in my house and in my bed. I could never have friends or family over because if I told them what was really going on he would have killed me. I had my car taken twice because of his negligence. He even tried to stab me in my stomach when I was pregnant with my son. I was even sexually assaulted and robbed by him.
I lost my son after being pregnant for 23 weeks. The events of what led up to his loss happened so fast. I went in for my ultrasound to find out the sex and in a blink of an eye I was in the hospital for several days. A month before I had my son I was baptized. I knew at the baptism that I would lose him. When I was in the hospital the staff did all they could to keep me from experiencing the inevitable. I spent a lot of time being alone. My family did visit me but, my friends made up their own excuses and that was fine because I learned that family will always be the most valuable even the friends that will become my family. October 17th 2005 was the second time I experienced being very close to God.
When I think of the day my son died I can recollect the spiritual nature of what happened. I met his father on my birthday and my son was born and died on the same day three years later. The nurses purchased a cake and added a note to the only remains I would have of my son which were the clothes and hat he wore and photos of him placed in a blue ribbon box. Losing someone deeply connected to you leaves an indescribable pain. After you lose someone and complete the healing process you will learn that the loss is only the beginning of something amazing. I realize now that God, the higher power, had an incredible plan for me. What waits for me is bigger than I could ever envision.
            Losing someone is never easy. I wanted to discuss this because there are too many of us who become fixated on the things or people we lose. We forget that in this life nothing is promised and tomorrow is no exception. We must find ways to take the things and people that can only be seen in memory and allow their gift of eternal life to inspire us to live the best life now. This is the gift that not only my son gave; it was also the gift of my ancestors. Hold your breath because in death a new life is formed. Let that life be formed in you by living only for today, one day at a time. Share your gift because it will never die until you fulfill who you are in this world.
Many thanks to all of my readers. If you like this post click the like button and share on the links below. Feel free to share your experiences and general comments.
Until Next Time,


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